The Misadventures of Making a Splash

My husband has been urging me to plan a trip to a water park since the weather is so great. Now, pray tell me, why would I do that? A trip to the water park entails:

• Walking around in the blistering hot sun; 
• Ankles hurting due to the sprawling park; 
• Numerous fights about reading the cartoonish maps;
• Lugging around bag full of stuff and safe-guarding it;
• A lot of time spent on cellphone yelling 'Where are you? I'm at the big water squirting fountainy thingy'.
• Endless lines as everyone has the same bright idea to visit theme parks on weekends with squalling kids; 
• And my personal non-favorite, dunking myself in chlorine and what-not contaminated water.

Hrmphf.

Besides, my saga with water parks is not so encouraging for a revisit. Let's take a look at a random sample from one such visit- A ride that looked like a slide from a children's park, except it was about 120ft in height and ended in a swimming pool. Seemed pretty mild.

After the assorted friends from my group convinced me that the pool was barely 4ft and that I could not possibly drown in it, I decided to brave the plunge. They also promised me that most of them would go before me, so that they would be there to save me.

So, there I was, at the top of the slide, having climbed a slippery, wet and twisting array of staircases. I thought back to the last advice I received from a cousin-  A self-proclaimed "expert" on all rides in all parks. He assured me that if I sat to ride the slide, I would literally plummet into the water. The best way, he assured me, was to try it lying down. With my hands behind my head, it would be a easy-breezy ride. He gave me a thumbs-up sign, an encouraging smile and off he went.

Easy-breezy my foot. I barreled feet first like a bullet outta gun. The sky and the scenery whizzed past me at dizzying speed. Knowing that there was no way I would revisit this ride, I resolved to make the most of it and determinately  kept my eyes open.

But at the first sight of the water, my courage deserted me. And I shut my eyes.

Ideal Scenario: A relatively slow and easy ride on the slide while sitting up with legs stretched-out. A gentle landing on the water, wherein there is enough time to pull down your legs and land on you feet pretty gracefully.

My Scenario: A harrowing dash at full-tilt. A hard landing on my back -I think I bounced a couple of times too. There was no time for anything except a prayer and a promise (of revenge). Then I sank like a stone, horizontally.

I'm more of an air person than water. Thus I floundered for a couple of seconds underwater with absolutely no sense of direction. Then I managed to haul my head out of water, came up spluttering and spraying, as mad as a awoken cat and as wet as a bedraggled rat.

And my husband (who has sworn to love, protect, and keep me safe), standing next to "expert", both of them howling with laughter. Grrrr.

Suffice to say, I don't want to go to a theme park.

Ever.